Then there are the bewildering or anxiety-provoking comments that people will make to you. Most of the commenters mean well, it’s true, and they’re not trying to make you feel bad or anxious. They’re excited for you, or they’re eager to commiserate with memories from their own pregnancies. “I like to advise folks to use the THINK method,” says Dr. Catha Fischer, MD, director of fertility preservation for Spring Fertility New York. “Is what you’re about to say true, helpful, inspiring, necessary or kind? If the answer is no to any of those questions, refrain from your comment.” With that in mind, here are a few things not to say to a pregnant person.
What not to say to a pregnant person
“You hardly look pregnant at all! Why haven’t you gained any weight?”
Hollis Heavenrich-Jones encountered this frustrating comment when she was pregnant with her son, who’s now 15. She experienced a lot of morning sickness during her pregnancy, and it was hard to keep any food down. “I think what I said to people who made comments like this was, ‘My OBGYN has told me my weight is perfectly on track and the baby’s healthy,” says Heavenrich-Jones, who lives in Lincolnwood, Illinois. Some women gain a lot of weight when they’re pregnant, and some don’t. And some women do experience a condition called hyperemesis gravidarum during pregnancy that makes it hard for them to gain weight. Severe nausea and vomiting are the hallmarks of this unpleasant condition, but usually, doctors and midwives keep close tabs on anyone with this condition. So, you don’t have to worry about whether or not they’re eating or gaining weight appropriately.
“You look like you’re about to pop!”
On the flip side, if you’ve ever uttered these words to a woman with swollen cankles who has to pee every 30 minutes, it’s not too late to apologize profusely to her. Late in pregnancy, many pregnant women are feeling a little swollen and ungainly. The last thing they want to hear is that bystanders think they look enormous. “I was six months pregnant with my first, and a complete stranger that worked at a store I was in said, ‘Wow, you must be ready any day now to give birth! When are you due?’’’ says Kassie Hanson, the mother of two (and a third on the way) and founder of Talk 2 Me Mama. “I kind of angrily replied that I had three whole months left.” Dileesa Archer, who is the mother of two girls and one boy, remembers encountering similar unsolicited remarks during her pregnancies. “I’m naturally petite, and with each pregnancy, I heard disparaging comments about my body or old wives’ tales,” says Archer, who lives in Atlanta. “Some quotes were: ‘Are you sure there’s just one baby in there?’ and “You’re about to pop!’” Speaking of just one baby…
“You must be having twins!”
Yet another question that’s often asked of women who appear to be carrying a rather substantial load of baby in their bellies is the “are you having twins” question. Unless you know for sure that the pregnant woman is carrying twins, don’t even raise the question. Just don’t.
“Are you having a girl or a boy?”
This question doesn’t bother every mother-to-be. Some are perfectly happy to tell you if they happen to already know and want to share that detail. But others may prefer to deflect this particular question. They might not know–or want to know–the biological sex of their baby yet. Or they may feel that this particular outcome doesn’t really matter. This question, followed closely by “When are you due?” makes the list of top questions not to ask a pregnant woman forKaren Aronian, Ed.D, a parenting and education expert with Aronian Education Design LLC. “As pregnant folks know, some of us choose not to know the sex of the child, some of us don’t have a definite due date, and some of us don’t want to discuss too much,” says Aronian. “Some people are superstitious, and for some, the questions above can be critical and/or a string of conscience.”
“Let me tell you my birth story…”
If you’re tempted to talk to a pregnant woman about your own experiencing giving birth, here’s a cheat sheet to help you remember what’s appropriate:
Funny, fine.Happy, yes.Heartwarming, sure.Graphic, probably not.Traumatic, definitely not.
“It’s awful when people comment on your pregnant belly and then proceed to tell you how traumatic their experience was in giving birth,” says Hanson. Courtney Wyckoff, a mother, personal trainer, and founder of MommaStrong, suggests maybe just skipping the opportunity to tell your birth story to a friend who hasn’t delivered her baby just yet. “Pregnant women are already stressed with the great big unknown of birth and are certainly inundated with all the ‘shoulds’ when it comes to a healthy, happy experience,” she says. “Sharing your often intense birth story is not something that will help their body and mind feel more prepared.”
“I loved being pregnant!”
This is another one where you need to know your audience. Is your friend having a textbook pregnancy–no health problems, feeling good, etc.? Is it your best friend or your sister, who remembers when you were pregnant and already knows about your experience? Then it’s probably just fine to talk about your own halcyon days of pregnancy. But some women don’t have it so easy. So this might be an admission to keep to yourself for the time being. “Someone dealing with a tough pregnancy probably doesn’t want to hear how you didn’t gain any weight or barely felt your labor pains,” says Rose Ackermann, a mother and the editor of Family Destinations Guide. “And on the other spectrum, women trying to enjoy their pregnancy don’t need more anxiety upon hearing stories of epidurals and a future of sleepless nights.”
“Are you sure you should be eating/drinking that?”
During one of her pregnancies, Wyckoff encountered a woman in a coffee shop who lectured her that she was going to cause her unborn baby to have a mood disorder because she was drinking a caffeinated beverage during her pregnancy.“I took another sip (or two) as she explained her theory,” she recalls. As a result, Wyckoff has some advice for anyone who feels compelled to police the food and beverage choices of pregnant strangers (or even friends or family members). “Never ever ask ‘is that decaf?’” says Wyckoff. “Enough said. If you have ideas and theories about prenatal health, the best thing to do is not say anything at all. Most pregnant women are overwhelmed with too much information as it is. You can, however, hold the door open for her when she leaves the coffee shop.” Leave the nutritional lecture to the woman’s healthcare provider instead.
Here’s what to say instead
Believe it or not, even if you scrub all those comments from your brain, you still have an array of comments that you can make to a pregnant woman. Compliments and good wishes will go a long way. “Honestly, if people feel the need to say something to the mother-to-be, I wish they would just say, ‘You look beautiful!’ or ‘Congratulations!’ says Hanson. “Keep it simple, and don’t comment on my size.” You can also be reassuring. “Say something like, ‘All I want you to know is that your body is amazing, and you will be okay,’” says Wyckoff. And just remember, if you’re the pregnant person in question, you don’t have to answer any question that feels too intrusive. “If you feel that a comment is inappropriate or insensitive, you can always choose to be silent, which speaks volumes,” says Aronian. Or you could let the person know that you prefer not to answer that question or have that particular conversation. “Like most women I know, I tried not to engage with questions or comments that I thought were inappropriate,” says Ackermann. “However, looking back, I wish I had been blunter. Perhaps it could have saved another woman from the same experience. Now, having gone through it twice, I make it a point to tell people to keep their unsolicited advice and questions to themselves.” Adds Dr. Fischer, “And if all else fails, you can always blame your doctor. What I mean is, if someone has decided to give you advice, you can always say that you’ve already spoken with your doctor and the two of you have it under control. While it can be tough to set those boundaries because most people are very well-meaning, ultimately your pregnancy is no one else’s business but yours.” Next up: What to Say to a Loved One Going Through Pregnancy or Infant Loss—and the One Phrase You Should Avoid
Sources
Rose Ackermann, Family Destinations GuideDileesa Archer, parentKaren Aronian, Ed.D., Aronian Education Design.Catha Fischer, MD, Spring Fertility New York.Kassie Hanson, Talk 2 Me MamaHollis Heavenrich-Jones, parentHyperemesis Gravidarum (Severe Nausea & Vomiting During Pregnancy). Cleveland Clinic.Courtney Wyckoff, MommaStrong
