“Confession: My wedding was over 10 years ago and I still cringe when I think about our horrible DJ. He played the wrong song for my father/daughter dance and was just really unprofessional. Does anyone truly have a picture-perfect wedding, or does everyone look back on their wedding and wish they could change one thing. I need to move on, but it still bothers me!"—Colleen, 35, Mass. Asher Fogle Paul: Colleen, I am so sorry that your DJ ruined such a meaningful moment for you. That is beyond disappointing, and I understand how that can still sting, even years later. We wrote a novel, in part, about how much can go wrong at weddings. No matter how big or small the budget, something will likely go awry. And I do believe most people have at least one thing that, in hindsight, they would change about their wedding. Even if everything went perfectly at the time, you gain a new perspective with age and might have made different decisions or had different priorities. I know how you feel. I had a beautiful wedding that brought so many of my dreams to life. But I didn’t get any video from our videographer for a decade. The photographers, whose pictures of our ceremony and reception I do love, dissolved their partnership shortly after our ceremony. Ten years later, I finally received some scattered video clips, many of them without sound. I also didn’t take many portraits between the ceremony and reception because I didn’t want to make guests wait too long for our entrance. And I didn’t get formal pictures with every single extended family member who made the trip — we were blessed to have a host of grandparents and older relatives in attendance — and I’ll always regret that. Those decisions rest solely on me. As I’ve tried to move on as well (can you tell I’m still working some of this out, too?), it’s helped me to focus on a couple of things. First, what was one element that went exactly as planned or even exceeded your hopes? Our ceremony had some meaningful moments that people who attended still mention. Our first dance song choice has aged well, and it still brings us joy every time we hear it. I still love my wedding dress. I regularly attempt to recreate my dreamy bouquet with bodega flowers. Those are the things I remind myself anytime I start to feel badly about what went wrong. Second, I have had to give myself some grace. I got married 11 years ago. Today, I’m a different person. I sure hope I’ve grown! There was no way that 25-year-old me could know all the things I didn’t know. You couldn’t have predicted that this DJ would completely drop the ball. We did the best we could with the knowledge and experiences that we had back then. Sure, I’d do a lot differently if I were getting married today. But I married the man of my dreams, and we celebrated with people we love. We’ve gone on to build a life together. Which is really the point, right? Almost every bride or groom has something that doesn’t turn out exactly as planned. But I hope that you’re able to let go of what didn’t live up to expectations—and as time passes, that you’ll continue to remember what did. Congratulations to making it through a decade of marriage. That’s no small feat. Wishing you guys many, many more years of happiness together. “I know 2020 was hard on everyone, but my wedding was rescheduled twice before my husband and I just decided to do a Zoom wedding. We had a baby three months ago, which is amazing, but I can’t help but be sad that these big milestone moments were tainted with COVID. I want to look back on my wedding and smile, but I don’t always. Any advice when things just simply don’t go as planned?"—Lindsay, 31, NY Mary Hollis Huddleston: First, major congratulations are in order for both your marriage and the arrival of your first child! I completely understand your feeling like the last two years have put a damper on these happy occasions. My recommendation is to plan a party to celebrate these wonderful milestones! Who cares if your “wedding reception” ends up being a year or two after your actual marriage? I recently attended a similar event for a couple who were legally married on their original 2020 date (with just their parents), then did a reception this past December. They didn’t have a ceremony, but there was dinner, dancing, and some lovely toasts. The couple was fortunate that so many people were able to attend, but even a scaled-down version of something like this would be a fantastic option. Can you rent a private room at your favorite restaurant and toast with your nearest and dearest? Host a catered cocktail party at home? Approach it as you would any other wedding (send a save-the-date, make sure people have it on their calendars) and make it a priority! I think so often we have these ideas and never execute on them—this is clearly important to you and if you’re able, I think it’s important to make it happen. You’ll be so happy to have the memories! As for advice for when things don’t go as planned…sigh, all I can say is, sometimes that’s life. I always try to focus on a Plan B (such as the reception-style party I mentioned above) as a way of staving off disappointment. I think the silver lining is that you and your spouse have already (successfully!) weathered some big challenges in the first few years of your marriage, and that can only strengthen your relationship. Try to keep looking ahead, plan a fabulous party, and enjoy your darling baby! Catch up on all our Novel Advice columns here.
